road to recovery

It's not exactly how it sounds. This is a post about finding myself again. It's been a work in progress since breaking up with my long time boyfriend at the beginning of 2013. That relationship was both the best and worst thing to ever happen to me; I learned so much, and loved so hard, but I lost myself. From the day we started dating we were dedicated to spending the rest of our lives together. Everything we did was influenced by our future together. We became so focused on creating a stable life that we not only left our friends behind, but ourselves. Now that time has passed, I can take a step back and realize how consumed we were in each other and how toxic it became. Only recently have I realized another crucial part of my identity loss: I had no creative outlet. For the entire span of our relationship, I subconsciously sacrificed my 3 main self-expressing outlets: writing, photography, and music. These elements have played such an important part in making me who I am today. -- Ever since I was younger, I've written poems and songs. I specifically remember  being teased in middle school for writing an angsty poem while on a field trip. -- Art has always been the foundation of my being, but I have always had an attachment to photography. I was always the friend who brought their camera everywhere and took pictures of everything and uploaded millions of pictures every week. I had no shame and loved challenging myself. -- I've always been fascinated by the world that exists in music. From being part of my school's band and choir to my local theatre's musicals, they were all so divergent. But they all revolved around the same core. My fondest and most prevalent memories of high school were spent with my best friend at local venues exploring new music and meeting amazing people -- many of those who have had a major impact on my life. Many who I still maintain a friendship with today.

And all of these things. Gone.

I didn't realize how damaged my soul was at the time. The final semester weeks were dwindling when I reconnected with an old friend. We grabbed coffee one day, and before we knew it, we were spending much of our free time together. He reintroduced me to the world that is music. I could feel parts of my soul slowly coming back together. And we laughed, a lot. And sometimes you connect so well with a person that even the silence is enjoyable. And sometimes friendships turn into more. And it did. And it was great. And it was fun. And, eventually, it ended. Terribly. Messy. Ugly. Horribly. Awfully. Like, in the worst way.

It was damaging, but it was also repairing. And above everything else, I met one of my greatest friends through this mess. Now she's one of the most amazing and influential people I have in my life. I don't think I've ever connected so well -- spiritually and creatively -- to another individual.
And for this, I am grateful of the mess.

Later in the year, I took time out to focus on myself and get back on track; mostly on my school work and social life. I felt like I was regaining control over my life. I started to feel free again. Before I knew it, I had rebuilt another friendship that turned into more. And for the first few months into this year, it was great. And it was fun. And, eventually, it also ended. And it was also very, very ugly. Although this one took bigger of a toll than anyone knows. I invested so much of myself emotionally that I self-destructed at the end. But I also learned so much from it -- including my love for Nashville, which has become a vital part of my future.
And for this, I am grateful of the mess.

The point is: I've been working on myself for over a year. It's not an easy process -- there was a lot of damage. And even though more rough patches ensued along the way, I was able to pull out the positives. The past year has been full of lessons -- the most critical being that no matter what you go through or who you meet, you can always take something away from it that will make you a better, stronger person. Sometimes they'll bring you back to yourself, even if only for a moment.
It's those kinds of experiences who make you who you are.
I feel like I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go.

I am rebuilding myself every day.
I am enjoying the road to recovery.

italian adventures || 9

Last day in Rome: Vatican City. No, we did not see the Pope. He came out the day before. St. Peter's Basilica is ENORMOUS. The architecture was stunning. We also hit the Sistine Chapel and got to see Michelangelo's work. The Creation of Adam is one of my favorite works of all time and it was breathtaking in person. After leaving the Vatican, we found a little place called Bir & Fud where we had: you guessed it... beer and food. They had an impressive collection of draught beer and our bar tender was knowledgeable and entertaining. If I ever get back to Rome, I'm hitting this place up. It was a VIBE. On our way back to our B+B, we went back to the Trevi and enjoyed some gelato for the last night. It was beyond words.

This was absolutely one of the best trips I've ever gone on. In Italy there's no shortage of wild flowers, CRAZY traffic, and men wearing scarves. There IS a shortage of signage (be prepared to circle for hours), free water, and free public restrooms. Yes, you have to pay to use restrooms over there.

I learned a lot on this trip -- not only about Italy, but about myself. Travelling is the only thing money can buy that makes you richer. I may not have become an Italian Pop Star... but I did get an experience of a lifetime.

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

nothing worth having comes easy.

I finally got it. I've been sitting on this one for about a year now, and last night I decided it was time. I can't even begin to explain how hectic things have been the past few months, let alone the past couple of weeks. I've been pulling nearly full time at work, I'm up to my ears in projects + papers, I've picked up extra hours babysitting- which make for extra long days, and there's so much going on in my personal life that I've been neglecting. I'm exhausted -- and life isn't going to slow down any time soon. But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe again. Yesterday I hit another breaking point; it was probably the worst day I've had this entire year. One of those collapsing-to-the-floor-inside-a-bathroom-stall kinda days. I was brought back up with the help of Molly's support and selfless heart. And before we knew it, we were at a tattoo shop in Chicago + I decided to go for it. There are going to be far worse days ahead and I need to remember that everything will be worth it in the end. Because nothing worth having comes easy.

I get by with a little help from my friends (and spontaneity).

weekly reminder.

I'm currently sitting at Denny's with Molly downing endless cups of coffee as we try to crank out last minute papers + projects. Saying these next few weeks will be stressful would be an understatement. There's so much going on right now that I keep looking down at my tattoo as a reminder to just let it be. In fact, my response to everything the past few days has either been life, man. or life happens, man. A few break downs later and that's what I'm left with. I have so much to look forward to in the next few months that I just need to stay focused and keep on truckin'.

Everything will work out in the end.

behind the scenes.

Working hard or hardly working? Moll and I took a break after working on a side project and captured some gems... I tried making this one long photobooth strip but my programs weren't cooperating. Enjoy these extra large versions ;) we always have too much fun no matter what we're doing. Can't wait to share everything!

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul.

exfoliate.

If there's anything you ever do, use your coffee grounds to exfoliate. I had heard that coffee grounds were great for exfoliating (and reducing cellulite), but until this morning I was skeptical. My skin has never been so soft. I'm not kidding... the mess is worth it. Next time you brew a pot of coffee, make sure you save the grounds. Just try it.

Another great decision I made today was to go running on the trail by my house, since it was finally warm enough. It felt amazing to be able to run outside again, although I brought home a runny nose and a nasty cough. I also had a business meeting with Molly at Starbucks tonight. The end result was a ton of new ideas for the blog and some surprises from Miley's BANGERZ tour... thanks Moll ;) I can't wait to share everything we've been up to.

Because you are alive, anything is possible.

breathe.

Trying to remind myself of how lucky I am for the little things tonight.  I have good health, a job, an education, food on the table, somewhere to call home, and sweet friends + family. Not to mention I have a lot to look forward to in the upcoming months. But finding happiness in the present moment is something I'm struggling with. I find that I have to constantly tell myself to take a deep breath and slow down. Focus on what's important. Focus on what matters now, and deal with everything else as it comes instead of letting it overwhelm me. Be thankful for today. I truly am a lucky girl, but sometimes I wander off my path and fail to realize everything I have rather than the things I can't yet reach. I'll get there...until then, just breathe.

It's the little things that make life big.

*photo taken in Fort Collins, CO

beatles + bananas.

I've spent the majority of today listening to old Beatles records + satisfying my sweet tooth. Last night I put a banana in the freezer so I could make this *semi* healthy alternative to a regular chocolate shake.

1 frozen banana
3 pieces sea salt olive & sinclair chocolate (or chocolate of your choosing)
1 tbsp peanut butter or almond butter
1 cup of milk (I used 2%, but almond milk would be best)
* blend until smooth

and that's it! I was actually amazed at how delicious this was. It was gone before I even finished cleaning up the mess. If you find your sweet tooth giving you a hard time, try this. I recommend using the healthier alternatives, but I just used what I had on hand. No regrets. It's too freaking good. Seriously.

Magic is something you make.